I’ve mentioned how the past year was a bit of a coast. A passing of time. If I think back at the last year, honestly, I’m not sure anything I did. or anything significant. Placeholding, what a friend calls that place in between something that was and something that will be eventually but currently standing in the ‘not yet.’
It was a word of permission saying, you aren’t were you want to be yet, but this will do. [whether it’s person you’re in a relationship with, a mediocre job, the place where you live.] sometimes it’s easy to fill the void than figure out what you really want. It’s an excuse to be a little discontent.
And this is where I vacillate between the notion: should a placeholder be only temporary, or could it be permanent- under better circumstances or an adjusted attitude?
Each move I’ve made, from Jackson, Seattle, Lincoln, I have gone in with the notion that this is right for now, but it is not forever. Which means, I’m never fully present. One foot is always looking where to point next. My soul is waiting for the surge of adrenaline I get when I make the decision to move, do something different.
People always say, do it while you’re young. It’s true. Moving was easy (-ish). I could eventually understand what made sense, feel out a type of purpose. But for whatever reason, when I moved to Nebraska, I kept saying, after this, I have one more move left in me. And I was willing to say even if it’s just to a different house here in Lincoln. A part of me really wanted to be okay with staying in Lincoln, but I never fully committed to it. To staying. I wanted out but then I couldn’t figure out how. Rather than take a stab in the dark until something stuck, I merely shut down. and became miserable.
I think the answer is, if you try to turn the placeholder into a permanent reality without any of the grunt, it won’t work. But then again, maybe the reason I wasn’t working to get out of the temporary was because I felt too lazy or was too afraid, to find the permanent alternative.
The downside when I’m miserable- it’s hard to want to even be around people. or do much of anything. It’s a slow death, also known as depression. I’ve had cycles of depression since I can remember. I call them cycles because there seems to be a pattern that begins when I feel overwhelmed and slide into apathy. Social gatherings become daunting and so I stop going out or making efforts. I will notice I am depressed and create an inflexible routine of survival which sometimes means I will choose watching television over social interactions.
Depression looks different for everybody, from the onset, the effects, to how one copes and how one thrives. there are days when it is so hard to get out of bed. and days I can’t remember the last time I laughed. it is internal and external.
right now, the external depression has been mitigated with the exit from my recent job. internally I am still fighting fears. and understanding my discontent. but I keep going on this trip, talking and ruminating, seeing how I am present.